A Doctor's Touch
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Jack can't cope after losing two of his closest friends. Maybe all he needs is a Doctor's touch to show him the way to carry on...


**Title: A Doctor's Touch**

**Summary: Jack is struggling to cope after the loss of two of his closest friends. Spoilers for episode 2:13. **

**Author's Note: While I was watching Doctor Who today I was hit by the muse. And this is the result. Angst. Spoilers for Torchwood series two. Enjoy. Please leave a review. And even if you add it to favourites/alerts I'll send you a message saying thanks. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Torchwood. _**

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I'm standing at Cardiff Bay looking out across the water. I can feel the moisture in the air spraying my face slightly and it is calming. I shut my eyes and just listen to the sounds of the world carrying on around me. It doesn't feel my pain. None of these people walking past me think anything of the man standing by the water with his eyes closed. To them I am just another face in the world. To them I am nobody. To me they are everything. They are the people I work so hard to protect even if they don't know it.

They do not feel what I feel right now. They do not feel my tortured heart beating steadily but mournfully inside my chest. They do not feel how every atom in my body aches for the people I have lost. They do not understand how my brain is numb with pain but my thoughts are still sharp and unrelenting. They cannot see how I am torturing myself with the facts of my own life.

I want nothing more than to escape. I want to forget the hell of my existence for a few moments. I open my eyes and see the water below me. I bite my lip, uncertain for a moment. Do I want to end my life like this? _Can _I end my life like this? I want to leave so badly. I've lost two of my closest friends today. I've lost two people I cared so much about. They are gone and there is no way I can bring them back into my life. I feel empty. There is a hole in my life now and there is no way to fill it. I edge towards the ledge and watch the murky darkness of the water swirling before me. Is this how Owen felt before running in to the water trying to end his life? That seemed like an age ago now. All the memories I have of him and Toshiko feel like an eternity has passed since I saw them last. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes. I can't do this. There is no point. It won't last. I can never die. I will be back and so will the pain. But I do want the freedom if only for a second…

"Jack?" a familiar voice says from behind me. I hesitate before turning around. My jaw drops and my eyes widen. I thought it was his voice but I didn't dare trust to hope. All hope has been extinguished in my life today but now I see just the man who can help me deal with this.

I feel the unmistakable sting of tears behind my eyes as I walk slowly towards him. He smiles warmly and I throw my arms around him. He holds me close and I feel just like a small child with his dad. "Doctor…" I whisper quietly.

"Jack."

He leads me back across the Bay to the oh so familiar blue box, his TARDIS, and he takes me inside. Together we sit in the chairs beside the consol.

"How do you cope…?" I manage to ask. I never even ask why he's here. I just need to speak to someone who would understand what was going on in my head.

"How do I cope with what?" the Doctor says seriously leaning forward slightly. I can see the concern in his eyes and I can tell at once how much he cares about me.

"I… Remember I told you about my team? Torchwood? There are… There were only five of us…" I stutter trying to form the words in my mouth because they don't form in my head at all.

"Were?"

"Were. Now… Now… Now there are three," I say weakly trying to keep control of my tears. The Doctor's face fills with understanding and he reaches out to place his hand on mine.

"They died?" he says as more of a confirmation than a question. I nod once. I feel restless and unable to stay still. I just want to run far away from all of this. I fix my eyes on the ground not daring to look at him.

"Toshiko and Owen…" I mutter and hearing their names stabs at my heart like a knife.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor consoles, "I'm so sorry."

I nod again. "How… How do you cope?" I repeat, looking up at him. He seems to understand my question this time.

"I don't know Jack," he admits, "Sometimes it's harder than others."

"I can't… I can't _deal _with losing people I love over and over!" I whimper.

"You can," he tells me firmly. I can't say I agree with him but I want to believe him. I want _something _to believe.

"I loved them… It's… It's my fault they're dead…" I say haunted by the memories in my head.

"Don't. They made their choice when they joined Torchwood," the Doctor says. He's right. I know he is but it still hurts.

"I thought I was helping them by taking them to Torchwood," I say shutting my eyes tightly and rocking back and forwards slightly, "I was helping them, wasn't I?"

"You were. You took them from their old lives and gave them something better."

"Something fatal."

"Something fantastic."

"Something dangerous."

"Something unique."

"Something horrible."

"Something special. Jack, listen to me."

I listen.

"You gave them a life they could never have dreamed of. Think about who they would have been without you. You made them better people and they chose to stay with you until the end. They trusted you Jack. They loved you too," the Doctor says. He didn't know Owen and Tosh but his words are so true.

"How… How d'you carry on? How can you keep going when you know you're just going to keep on losing people?" I ask now. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can't breathe properly. My mouth is dry but my eyes are wet.

"You just carry on fighting. The darkness will make way for the light. I lose people all the time… Rose… Sarah-Jane… But I have to carry on. There is no way out of it. Life carries on around me," the Doctor says and I see the tears in his eyes now too.

"But… But I miss them," I say and I feel myself breaking down and crumbling. My strength is failing me and I can't hold it together much longer.

"I know you do. You're bound to. You'll never not miss them but you'll learn to carry on," the Doctor soothes.

"I… I… I," I give up. The sobs were pressing upon me now. I'm not used to breaking down like this. It's not something I tend to do. In Torchwood I try and stay strong and confident, as the others need me. They're going to need my help to get through this but I can't be there for them if there's nobody there for me.

The Doctor just pulls me closer and puts a comforting arm around my shoulders while I cry. I don't want to be breaking down like this but my body isn't listening to what my mind wants.

Ten minutes pass and my frantic sobbing has receded again and I'm left feeling exhausted. Every atom of my existence is screaming with weariness and I want nothing more than to sleep.

"There is no shame in fear, Jack," the Doctor tells me, "There is no need to hide your pain from others. You're never alone, never. People will always care about you no matter how blurred your path becomes."

"Thank you, Doctor," I say gratefully meaning every word. I wonder where I would be now otherwise… Probably lying at the bottom of the water drowning literally in water and metaphorically in my own pain. Now I can help Gwen and Ianto. I can show them the way to carry on.

I can be stronger. I can be braver.

I can face the darkness. I can face the pain.

I can trust the world. I can trust myself.

I can love Owen. I can love Tosh.

I can mourn Owen. I can mourn Tosh.

I can understand myself. I can understand the world.

I can find my way. Sometimes it just takes a Doctor's touch.


End file.
